***********************************************************

As Bill Sees It

Spiritual Axiom, p. 309

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter
what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts
us and we are sore, we are in the wrong, too.

But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable"
anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? And
shouldn't we be properly angry with self-righteous folks?

For us of A.A. these adventures in anger are sometimes very
dangerous. We have found that even justified anger ought to be left
to those better qualified to handle it.

12 & 12, p. 90

***********************************************************

Walk In Dry Places
 
Sincerity at the beginning
Self-Honesty
We were told at our first AA meeting that half-measures will avail us nothing. What's needed is a sincere desire to stop drinking and seek a new way of life.
As we continue in the program, we learn that sincerity is an ingredient for success in everything we do. Quite often, we may find that we're failing in something simply because our heart isn't really in it.
We can't force ourselves into a sincere posture. Instead, the answer is to know ourselves well enough to know just how we feel about everything we do.
We'll learn to be careful about attempting to do something when our heart is not really in it.  We may be doing something we dislike merely for the recognition and money it gives us. For real sincerity, we need more than that, and the truths of the program will help us find it.
I'll be conscious today of the sincerity I have about things I am attempting to do.  There may be some things I need to abandon or at least change.

***********************************************************

Keep It Simple
 
Telling the truth is a pretty hard thing.---ThomasWolfe.
Often, we get scared to tell the truth. We wonder, “What will
happen? Will I get in trouble? Will someone be mad at me?'” These things could happen. But good things could happen too. Sometimes we want to lie.
We don't want anyone mad at us or unhappy with us. We want people off our back. So we lie. And it comes back to haunt us. We must believe that the best will happen in the long run if we tell the truth. Our program tells us that we can stay sober if we're honest. Telling the truth takes faith. We must have faint in the program. We must be honest. Our sobriety and our life depend on it.
Prayer for the Day:  Higher Power, help me remember that I'm doing things Your way when I tell the truth.
Action for the Day:  I will think about what I say today. I will be as honest as I can be.

***********************************************************

Each Day a New Beginning

. . . we will be victorious if we have not forgotten how to learn.  --Rosa Luxemburg
For most of us the struggle was long, painful and lonely to the place where we are now. But survive we have, and survive we will. The times we thought we could go no further are only dimly recalled. The experiences we were certain would destroy us fit ever so neatly into our book of memories.
We have survived, and the program is offering us the means for continued survival. Step by Step we are learning to handle our problems, build relationships based on honesty, and choose responsible behavior. We are promised serenity if we follow the Steps.
Gratitude for our survival is best expressed by working the program, setting an example for others, helping those women who haven't yet attained victory. We must give away what we have learned to make way for our own new growth. There are many victories in our future if we keep pressing forward, opening new doors, and trusting in the process of the program and its promises.
I am still willing to learn or I wouldn't be here, now. There are victories in my future. I will look for a victory today. It's certain to accompany responsible action on my part.

***********************************************************

Alcoholics Anonymous - Fourth Edition

Chapter 9 - The Family Afterwards

Assume on the other hand that father has, at the outset, a stirring spiritual experience. Overnight, as it were, he is a different man. He becomes a religious enthusiast. He is unable to focus on anything else. As soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters morning, noon and night. He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has been religious all her life, that she doesn’t know what it’s all about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.

p. 128

***********************************************************

Alcoholics Anonymous - Fourth Edition Stories

SAFE HAVEN - This A.A. found that the process of discovering who he really was began with knowing who he didn't want to be.

I did all the things that were suggested for me not to do.  Within my first year around A.A., I made some major decisions, like getting married, renting the most expensive apartment I could find, not using my sponsor, avoiding the steps, hanging around old haunts with my old drinking pals, and talking more than listening during meetings.  In short, I wasn't responding to the miracle of A.A.  My disease progressed and I became a regular patient in detox hospitals, intensive care units, and treatment centers.  Permanent insanity was drawing near, and the gates of death were in view.

p. 455

***********************************************************

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Foreword

With the publication of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" in 1939, the pioneering period ended and a prodigious chain reaction set in as the recovered alcoholics carried their message to still others. In the next years alcoholics flocked to A.A. by tens of thousands, largely as the result of excellent and continuous publicity freely given by magazines and newspapers throughout the world. Clergymen and doctors alike rallied to the new movement, giving it unstinted support and endorsement.

p. 17

***********************************************************

Progress results from persistence with purpose.
--Frank Tyger

Remember--nothing will happen that you and God can't handle together.
--Author Unknown

I've never learned anything while I was talking.
--Larry King

"Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."
--William James

He who obtains has little. He who scatters has much.
--Lao-Tzu

Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs.
--Pearl Strachan Hurd

The written word can be erased - not so with the spoken word.
--Unknown

A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.
--Robert Burton

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Father Leo's Daily Meditation

FEAR

"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."
Ed Howe

My fear of alcoholism helped me into treatment. My awareness of reality -- "I am
an alcoholic," -- helped me towards recovery. I was scared into treatment!

I must never forget my frightening yesterdays because that can so easily lead to
minimization and tomorrow's denial. I need to remember my pain if I am to continue
to gain. My car accident, my abuse of self and others, my suicidal behavior should be
feared, on a daily basis, because it is only one drink away!

God has given me memory -- I need to use it. My spiritual courage is in remembering
my yesterdays so that I can continue to enjoy the sobriety of today.

May I see that a healthy fear comes from God; it is part of God's love for me.

***********************************************************

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's
will for you in Christ Jesus."
I Thessalonians 5:16-18

"I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Psalm 27:13

***********************************************************

Daily Inspiration

Fears cannot survive without your full attention. Lord, help me to face my fears, realize that they are not as big as I imagine and see that their main purpose is to stop me from action.

Today is far too short to visit with all the friend you want to see, to read all that you want to read, to think all that you want to think, to do all that you want to do. Thank You, Lord, for this beautiful day and for the privilege of spending it as I choose. May I spend it wisely.

***********************************************************

NA Just For Today

Feeling God's Will

"I sincerely believed that a Higher Power could restore my sanity and that I would stop trying to figure out what God's will was, just accept things for what they were, and be grateful." Basic Text p. 198
The longer we stay clean, the less surely we "know" what our Higher Power's will for us is - and the less it matters. Knowledge of our Higher Power's will becomes less a "knowing" thing and more a "feeling" thing. We still practice the Eleventh Step faithfully. But rather than look for "signs" from our Higher Power, we begin to rely more on our intuition, trusting our feelings about what will make us comfortable.

After staying clean a few years, what we do seem to know is when we are acting against God's will for us. When we are going against God's will, we get that old uncomfortable feeling in our gut. That queasiness is a warning that, if we continue in this direction, ahead lie many sleepless nights. We need to pay attention to such feelings, for they are often signals that we are acting contrary to our Higher Power's will for us.

Our Eleventh Step clearly states the true goal of prayer and meditation: improvement of our conscious contact with the God of our understanding, bringing us clearer knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the power to carry it out. We know God's will most clearly by how it feels, not by "signs" or words - and it feels right.

Just for today: I will pray for the knowledge of my Higher Power's will for me and the power to carry it out. I will pay attention to my feelings, and act when they feel right.

pg. 325

***********************************************************

You are reading from the book Today's Gift.
I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. --Henry David Thoreau
One of the greatest gifts of our lives is the ability to enjoy solitude. Many of us are unable to enjoy this gift. We are too busy--busy with work, with friends, with entertainment.
When we slow down, we find out we can feel peaceful when we are alone. For most of us, solitude is ordinary--we each find our private place and take up our favorite activities: fishing, sewing, writing, building models, and making pictures. These simple activities are so much fun it's hard to figure out why it took us so long to calm down and enjoy them.
Our dreams may be quite ordinary. We can learn how to find them.
What ordinary activities have I been putting off because I think I'm too busy?


You are reading from the book Touchstones.
If the Great Spirit wanted men to stay in one place He would make the world stand still; but He made it to always change, so birds and animals can move and always have green grass and ripe berries, sunlight to work and play, and night to sleep. --Flying Hawk
The American Indian's spiritual knowledge teaches that God has a rhythm and a benevolent purpose for the earth. How we relate to the changes, which overtake us, is central to our spiritual lives. With our overdeveloped will, we still fight change in many ways. We fight the aging of our bodies by oversensitivity to our thinning hair and increasing grayness. We refuse to accept the end of summer by pouting and getting depressed about the cold. We try to hasten the time when our children are more independent and then hold them back when they get there. Peace comes with trusting the Great Spirit to bring changes in their natural progression. The extent of our willfulness affects our serenity - but not the progress of change.
God, help me accept the changes in my life.


You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning.
. . . we will be victorious if we have not forgotten how to learn. --Rosa Luxemburg
For most of us the struggle was long, painful and lonely to the place where we are now. But survive we have, and survive we will. The times we thought we could go no further are only dimly recalled. The experiences we were certain would destroy us fit ever so neatly into our book of memories.
We have survived, and the program is offering us the means for continued survival. Step by Step we are learning to handle our problems, build relationships based on honesty, and choose responsible behavior. We are promised serenity if we follow the Steps.
Gratitude for our survival is best expressed by working the program, setting an example for others, helping those women who haven't yet attained victory. We must give away what we have learned to make way for our own new growth. There are many victories in our future if we keep pressing forward, opening new doors, and trusting in the process of the program and its promises.
I am still willing to learn or I wouldn't be here, now. There are victories in my future. I will look for a victory today. It's certain to accompany responsible action on my part.


You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.
Relationships
There is a gift for us in each relationship that comes our way.
Sometimes the gift is a behavior we're learning to acquire: detachment, self esteem, becoming confident enough to set a boundary, or owning our power in another way.
Some relationships trigger healing in us - healing from issues of the past or an issue we're facing today.
Sometimes we find ourselves learning the most important lessons from the people we least expect to help us. Relationships may teach us about loving ourselves or someone else. Or maybe we'll learn to let others love us.
Sometimes, we aren't certain what lesson we're learning, especially while we're in the midst of the process. But we can trust that the lesson and the gift are there. We don't have to control this process. We'll understand, when it's time. We can also trust that the gift is precisely what we need.
Today, I'll be grateful for all my relationships. I will open myself to the lesson and the gift from each person in my life. I will trust that I, too, am a gift in the other people's lives.


Today I fight for what is really important to me in a spiritual way. I no longer waste my good energy to win or be right. --Ruth Fishel

*************************************

Journey to the Heart

You Are Being Led

You are being guided. You are being led. I say that a lot because I need to hear that a lot. The more I hear it, the more I believe it. The more I believe it, the more I see it.

There are times when life flows along, when it’s easy and natural to believe we’re being guided. But there comes a point in any journey, in even the most magical of trips, when we look around and say, I don’t know where I’m going. We have no plan, we’re short on ideas, and we’re plumb out of vision. We’ve gone as far as we could see.

Now is the time to practice what you know. Let go. Stay as peaceful as you can. Stay right here in the present moment. Sharpen your tools– your intuition, your inner voice, your consciousness, and your awareness. Do the little things, the small actions that appear right, the things that are right before you. Feel your feelings. Move through the fear. Wrap up in self love.

Then let the journey unfold. Trust that you are being guided and led.

*************************************

More Language Of Letting Go

What can you do?

Mr. Potter celebrated his hundredth birthday by doing a bungee jump from a 210 foot tower. When his physician of many years advised him against it, he simply got a new doctor.
–Stella Resnick, The Pleasure Zone

I almost have the local record for number of tandems jumped. A tandem is a skydive you do attached to your jump master. The harness hooks you up to the front of him; all you do is go along for the ride. I’ve done a lot of my training during tandems, to get body memory of how to skydive and to build my confidence.

I haven’t met the woman who actually holds the tandem record for the area, but I’ve heard about her. I’ve done twenty-eight. She’s done many, many more. She even participates in skydiving team events doing tandems.

When she’s on the ground, she’s labeled a paraplegic. In the air, she can fly.

Sure, there are things we can’t do, things we can’t have, and things we really want. Stop worrying about those things; there’s an even longer list of things we can do and have.

What sounds good to you?

No matter what our limitations or disabilities or what we can’t have in life, we can fulfill our purpose and have some fun while we’re doing it.

If Mr. Potter and the tandem record holder can, so can you.

God, please show me what I can do.

*****

Consulting Heart and Mind
Making Choices From a Place of Balance by Madisyn Taylor

It is important to make decisions from a place of balance in your life by taking a breath and checking in with heart and mind.

Each of the myriad decisions we make every day has the potential to have a deep impact on our lives. Some choices touch us to our very cores, awakening poignant feelings within us. Others seem at first to be simple but prove to be confusingly complex. We make the best decisions when we approach the decision-making process from a balanced emotional and intellectual foundation. When we have achieved equilibrium in our hearts and in our minds, we can clearly see both sides of an issue or alternative. Likewise, we can accept compromise as a natural fact of life. Instead of relying solely on our feelings or our rationality, we utilize both in equal measure, empowering ourselves to come to a life-affirming and balanced conclusion.

Balance within and balance without go hand in hand. When you are called upon to choose between two or more options, whether they are attractive or distasteful, you should understand all you can about the choice ahead of you before moving forward. If you do not come to the decision from a place of balance, you risk making choices that are irrational and overly emotional or are wholly logical and don’t take your feelings into account. In bringing your thoughts and emotions together during the decision-making process, you ensure that you are taking everything possible into account before moving forward. Nothing is left up to chance, and you have ample opportunity to determine which options are in accordance with your values.

Though some major decisions may oblige you to act and react quickly, most will allow you an abundance of time in which to mull over your choices. If you doubt your ability to approach your options in a balanced fashion, take an extended time-out before responding to the decision. This will give you the interlude you need to make certain that your thoughts and feelings are in equilibrium. As you practice achieving balance, you will ultimately reach a state of mind in which you can easily make decisions that honor every aspect of the self. Published with permission from Daily OM

*************************************

A Day At A Time

Reflection For The Day

There are those in The Program who, at the beginning, shun meditation and prayer as they would avoid a pit filled with rattlesnakes. When they do finally take the first tentative and experimental step, however, and unexpected things begin to take place, they begin to feel different. Invariably, such tentative beginnings lead to true belief, to the extent that those who once belittled prayer and meditation become nothing less than walking advertisements for its rewards. We hear in The Program that “almost the only scoffers at prayer are those who never really tried it.” Is there an obstinate part of me that still scoffs?

Today I Pray

May I learn, however irreverent I have been, that prayer is not to be mocked; I see the power of prayer effecting miracles around me, and I wonder. If I have refused to pray, may I look to see if pride is in my way — that old pride that insists on doing things on its own. Now that I have found a place for prayer in my life, may I reserve that place — religiously.

Today I Will Remember

Whoever learns to pray keeps on praying.

*************************************

One More Day

Night brings our troubles to the light, rather than banishes them.
– Lucius Annaeus Seneca

One of our greatest coping skills is setting realistic expectations. In doing so, we’re less likely to moan and complain. We’re not so filled with self-pity. We are learning to use all our resources when we lie awake struggling with physical or emotional pain.

We can help ourselves by making our bedroom surroundings as pleasant as possible. Adding small items, such as flowers, bookcases, and a mini-reading lamp isn’t just a cosmetic improvement. It’s admitting that we might be spending some wakeful time in there. Some nights might be sleepless, but admitting it and preparing for it may make the experience less frightening and more restful.

If I can’t sleep, I can relax in the comfort of my bedroom.

************************************

Food For Thought

Food Is Not Mother

In the mind of a baby, "food" is synonymous with "mother."  As the baby grows, the two concepts become differentiated, but perhaps never completely separated.  We compulsive overeaters may still be confusing food with mother.

Often we fee a great deal of hostility and resentment toward our mother--she did not give us enough love, or she gave us the wrong kind; she over-fed us, or she denied us what we needed.  We may still be searching the refrigerator for the perfect mother!  Isn't it about time to realize that she is not there?

No matter what we eat, or how much, we cannot turn the clock back and again become a part of our mother.  Perhaps instead of being inadequate, our mother was such a great source of comfort and satisfaction that we do not want to face life without a substitute for her presence.  Our Higher Power intends that we become to depend on Him even more than we once depended on our mother.  He daily offers us a relationship of even greater love and closeness than the one between mother and child.  To grow in that relationship requires abstinence from compulsive overeating.

I turn over to You my relationship with my mother.

*****************************************

One Day At A Time

FAITH
Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles.
Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC)

As a child, I believed in God, but the God of my childhood was a punishing God. I often felt that the reason for all the tragedies and misfortunes that I went through was because I didn't adhere to all the traditions and rules of my given religion. Perhaps the fact that I wasn't a good enough daughter to my parents, a good enough mother to my children, or a good enough friend was another reason why I was being punished. I would pray to the God of my childhood for what I wanted, but God never answered me or gave it to me, so what was the use of praying? I eventually stopped praying because my prayers were never answered.

I now know, having been led into this beautiful fellowship of the spirit, that God is a loving and forgiving God who always gave me what I needed, even if it didn't at the time seem to be what I wanted. The trouble had always been that I was filled with fear and found it hard to believe or trust in something or someone that I couldn't see or hear. I am a logical and rational person so it was really hard for me to have faith and trust that God would take care of me. It's said that the opposite of fear is faith, and so I am now learning to let go of the fear and put my faith and trust in a Higher Power of my understanding. I realize that He knows what's best for me, and will always be there for me if I only let Him.

One Day at a Time . . .
I will trust that my Higher Power knows what's best for me, and I put my myself in His care. My faith is growing stronger each day and I am able to release fear.
Faith

*****************************************

AA 'Big Book' - Quote

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. - Pg. 568 - 4th. Edition - Appendices II - Spiritual Experience

Hour To Hour - Book - Quote

Our freedom lies in recognizing the threefold illusion of this disease--mind (I can handle it), desire (it feels good), and flesh (I need it). These are all illusions which we soon will be liberated from.

May I surrender my illusions about the 'goodness' of mind affecting chemicals for myself and any addict / alcoholic.

Inner Belief

I believe in this world; it is the place that I have been born into. I love the breeze and the grass, the sky and the water. I have an intimate exchange with nature - like a lover. I feel held and nourished by it. I believe in people; they are the species to which I belong. I recognize that, underneath our superficial differences, we all want and need the same things. I believe that truth and goodness will prevail. I have experienced and seen more healing than I thought would ever happen. I feel good with small gains. I see deep meaning in quiet things, and I am moved by a power that I cannot explain but that I sense inside and out. Today, I feel good.

I believe in life.
- Tian Dayton PhD

Pocket Sponsor - Book - Quote

Eventually, in everyone's recovery comes the day when reason doesn't cut it and we hit a wall. At this point, you either have a break down or a break through. If you've been doing Step Eleven, you'll have the break through.

Sometimes I have to get on my knees to rise.

"Walk Softly and Carry a Big Book" - Book

Recovery isn't a death sentence. It's a life sentence.

Time for Joy - Book - Quote

Today I fight for what is really important to me in a spiritual way. I no longer waste my good energy to win or be right.

Alkiespeak - Book - Quote

With the 12th Step we have this great guarantee; 'Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps.' It's the only thing we're working for, or towards; a spiritual awakening, And it's a flat out guarantee; you cannot take the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous without having a spiritual awakening It is impossible, So relax. Cubby S.

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AA Thought for the Day

November 7

Prayer
Prayer has become a habit with me. Anytime is the time for prayer:
in the street, in the factory, sitting still, walking about, or actively engaged upon some task.
I must always bear in mind that, like a good parent, God often says no.
And the simplest prayer is "God, thank you, thank you."
I have so much to be thankful for, and sobriety tops the list.
- Thank You For Sharing, p. 192

Thought to Ponder . . .
Prayers may seem unanswered, but never are.

AA-related 'Alconym' . . .
A S A P = Always Say A Prayer.

~*~A.A. Thoughts For The Day~*~

Possibility
"As soon as we admitted the possible existence
of a Creative Intelligence,
A Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things,
we began to be possessed of a new sense
of power and direction,
provided we took other simple steps.
We found that God does not make too hard terms
for those who seek Him.
To us, the Realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive,
never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek.
It is open, we believe, to all men."
c. 1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 46

Thought to Consider . . .
Take a walk with God. He will meet you at the Steps.

*~*~*AACRONYMS*~*~*
F A I T H = Fantastic Adventures In Trusting Him.

*~*~*~*~*^Just For Today!^*~*~*~*~*

Very Precious Thing
From: "Loneliness to Solitude"
There are two sides of man's being alone. In our language, loneliness expresses the pain of being alone. Solitude expresses the glory of being alone.
What happens to us in AA that makes it possible for us, not only to endure, but to enjoy moments of solitude? What changes our loneliness to solitude?
The love and understanding we find in AA are a protective curtain between ourselves and the aching aloneness of our drinking days. The first few weeks, some of us spend most of our time in an AA club talking with others. Then it becomes evident that we must go to work and somehow meet the demands and responsibilities of our daily lives. We are afraid. Will the old loneliness hit us again when we are out of the actual presence of other AA members?
Sooner or later, by practicing the principles of the Twelve Steps, we find in ourselves a very precious thing, something inside that we can be comfortable with regardless of whether we are at home by ourselves or anywhere else that life takes us.
AA members are not emotional cripples who need someone to hold their hands every moment of the day and night to prevent their falling. We grow up with the help of God, as we understand Him, and the fellowship of the group, and by applying the Twelve Steps to our lives.
1973, AAWS, Inc., Came to Believe, page 109

*~*~*~*~*^ Grapevine Quote ^*~*~*~*~*

"Our Twelve Traditions ... represent the sum of our experience as individuals, as groups within AA, and similarly with our fellows and other organizations in the great fellowship of humanity under God throughout the world. They are all suggestions, yet the spirit in which they have been conceived merits their serious, prayerful consideration as the guideposts of AA policy for the individual, the group, and our various committees, local and national."
AA Co-Founder, Dr. Bob, September 1948
"The Fundamentals in Retrospect"
The Best of the Grapevine, Volume 2

~*~*~*~*^ Big Book & Twelve N' Twelve Quotes of the Day ^*~*~*~*~*

"When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could
not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that
either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is or He isn't."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, We Agnostics, pg. 53~

..we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will
and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean
by that, and just what do we do?

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on
self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost
always in collision with something or somebody, even though our
motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion.
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, pg. 60~

The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration, and fear.
-Alcoholics Anonymous p.145

No one wants to be agonized by the chronic pain of envy or to be paralyzed by sloth.
-Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p.66

Misc. AA Literature - Quote

Though the variations were many, my main theme was always 'How godawful I am!' Just as I often exaggerated my modest attainments by pride, so I exaggerated my defects through guilt. I would race about, confessing all (and a great deal more) to whoever would listen. Believe it or not, I took this widespread exposure of my sins to be great humility on my part, and considered it a great spiritual asset and consolation!
But later on I realized at depth that the great harms I had done others were not truly regretted. These episodes were merely the basis for storytelling and exhibitionism. With this realization came the beginning of a certain amount of humility.

Prayer for the Day: Light a Candle - O God of my understanding, light a candle within my heart, that I may see what is therein and remove the wreckage of the past.